Interviews with Families Satisfying Their Deepest Yen : To Love Each Other

 
             

                              What vehicle is more powerful to invite

                              us into loving relationships where we

                             actually come to know God because we

                             are cherished, because we belong, because

                             there are human arms to embrace and

                             hold us, because others do not give up on

                              us despite our shortcomings, where forgiveness

                              heals, and where joy and laughter create

                              memories that bind? (JoAnne Mullen-Muhr, 

                             former director of faith formation, St. James

                             Church,  Arlington Heights, Illinois )

                             Healthy marriages are. . .  good for children;

                             growing up in a happy home protects children

                              from mental, physical, educational and social

                              problems. (The American Psychological Association )

                             The family is the basic cell of society. It is the

                             cradle of life and love, the place in which the

                             individual is  'born' and 'grows.' (Saint John Paul II ) 

                 Reported by Robert R. Schwarz

          This report  (some of it, except for Blessed Concepcion Cabrera de Armida, written in 2020 ) is about  families whom the author has interviewed over several years. It's about their joys, sadness, strengths and weaknesses that give compelling advice that we should stay connected with our   family members—even that distant cousin, an  uncle or aunt; and also, that we to   heed what many wise men  and women through the ages have proclaimed: that the two deepest--yet, it seems, never fully satisfied yens of all humankind-- are to love someone and to be loved by someone by unconditionally. Might we agree that being fully alive and loved within a family is a sure way to satisfy that  which aches within all of us?

 I   A Mother Who Loved Her Son as an Angel   Might…

From Wikipedia: She was beatified May 4, 2019, by Pope Francis for her exemplary life as a wife, mother, and writer in Mexico. In 1884 she married Francisco Armida, with whom she had nine children between 1885 and 1899. In 1901, when she was 39 years old, her husband died and she had to care for her children, the youngest of whom was two years old. 

From the website  Ave Maria:  Her life as a widow was not made any easier by the fact that the Mexican Revolution raged from 1910 to 1921, taking the lives of 900,000 in Mexico's population.  Yet her writings reflect an amazing tranquility amid the chaos that surrounded her.… The holy mother “built many relationships with bishops, was obedient to her spiritual directors,” stated a nun who knew her. “And at the same time, she cooked and was able to read, pray, teach her kids to pray, talk to her spiritual director, and  visit the sick. She always looked for a way to help; as a wife, she never neglected Francisco, whom she truly loved.” 

[  This is a letter written by Blessed Concepcion Cabrera de Armida ( aka) Conchita ) to her son Pancho. ]

Pancho, my beloved son ...

"Avoid the least quarrel and do not stop at any sacrifice to have peace in your home .... It is better to bend than to break; with prudence, education and certain common sense, many troubles can be avoided. Oh, my son, never forget that everything you are, all that you have and the happiness you now enjoy, you owe to the good Jesus who has loved you with such tenderness! From how many dangers he has delivered you! How he has cared for you since you became an orphan!    Truly divine providence has taken care of you, has covered you with its shadow and led you gently, opening new horizons for your future. Be grateful, my son: recognize with gratitude the fatherly tenderness of God over you and demonstrate your gratitude by your actions, and never be ashamed of being a good Christian.                         "Before putting an end to this letter, I am going  to give you a little advice poured out from the heart  that most loves you on earth… Keep your faith even in the great burdens of your life: the religion you profess, the only true one, must be your shield and your pride....teaching them to love it and respect it as the greatest thing upon earth .... Be dignified with everyone but never haughty. Keep on being honest under every circumstance. Do not soil your soul with business deals that extort your fellowmen. You understand me. May your soul be always clean—poverty does not soil or shame one—and you will be happy .... 

          May your home, dear Pancho, be a model of Christian homes where the Lord reigns and a worldly atmosphere does not enter; where the peace and happiness that are born from the accomplishment of one's duty, be settled there. Take care to receive the sacraments frequently and never abandon them under any circumstance in your life .... Never spend more than you have, not even all that you earn: thrift helps marriages avoid a lot of trouble. But do not be avaricious; aim for a happy medium, maintaining a decent and fitting social standing, not living in luxury, even if you become rich. Let the poor be considered one of your ordinary expenses, and God will not fail you. Don't limit your piety to exterior observances but rather practice the virtues, being patient in adversity, resigned to the adverse events of life because if we receive from the Lord so many goods, why should we not also receive the sufferings he desires to send us? .. 

       

  I hope the Lord will still leave me upon earth to enjoy your happiness, but as you are going away and I am so often ill, I thought about writing this advice for the future; if you follow it you shall be very joyful. Forgive me my son, for all the bad example I might have given you,  and do not follow it .... 

      Your humble mother who blesses                                  you. 

BLESSED CONCEPCION CABRERA DE ARMIDA 

II  "We have changed the face of this island… and brought energy to … our families"…Valerie Fons, foster care mother of six children who came from abuse and trauma.

On a cool, early October day, my wife Mary Alice and I embarked on a five-day getaway to the Door Peninsular on Lake Michigan's Green Bay.  During the five-hour drive from our suburban Chicago home,   I, a retired newspaper editor, began musing about a good human interest story we might run into. But when we arrived at a lodge on Rowley's Bay, my wife convinced me to do nothing that smacked of work.

          The  next day we  boarded  the  "Island Clipper" ferry for a five-mile cruise to Washington Island. We crossed  the dark blue waters of Lake Michigan into the Porte des  Morts Strait ( "Door of the Dead"),   named between 1650 and 1816 by early French explorers. The waters below us, we were told,  were littered with several ship wrecks.

We docked at a small landing and boarded a tourist tram  for a  ride through  Washington  Island's 23  square miles. The island is  populated with almost 700 residents, many of  Scandinavian  (mostly Icelandic)  and Irish descent.  The tram rolled us  through farmland and forests as we heard the history  of  missionary work done here with the Ojibwa and Pottawatomie Indians  by French Jesuits. 

     The tram made a 15-minute refreshment stop at a small grocery store. I was about to follow Mary Alice into the store when, on the other side of this country road, I noticed a small café with a large wooden statue of a monk holding onto some birds. The statue was of Saint Francis, the l3th Century saint who addressed nature's creatures as "my brothers and sisters".  I surrendered to a journalist's curiosity and told my wife I'd catch up with her in few minutes.

          Mary Alice indulged me with a polite smile, and suggested I meet her outside in time to catch the return tram. 

   

    Inside  the café, I watched a perky woman of senior citizen age as she finished waiting on two customers buying some Washington Island fudge.

           "Excuse me, Miss," I said. "I  saw your statue of St. Francis outside."

            "Oh, yes," she replied and, anticipating the usual touristy  questions from me, cheerfully offered her spiel:  "Well, each morning here I serve a free breakfast of yogurt, granola, coffee and fruit to anyone and family who shows up for our prayer group.  Any denomination. We eat at 7 a.m."  She introduced herself as Valerie Fons, the proprietor.  I asked if she minded giving me her thoughts about what she considered to a good and healthy family.  Her expression told me that no one had ever asked her this. "I guess it's all right," she said cautiously. With the tram returning soon, I quickly pulled out my pocket voice recorder.         

              To my delight, she immediately dove into a pithy reply. We kept our conversation going despite being interrupted by several customers she paused to help. 

             Valerie was an ordained elder of the United Methodist Extension Ministry, and when she told me she had earlier that morning carried lunches for her six adopted children to the island's only school, I anticipated nuggets of her family insights.  

The Fons "Blended Family "

     "My husband and I have put together a blended family," she said, explaining that one  of her children is  Haitian and the other five were Afro-American. Their ages ranged from 12 to 21. "They come from abuse and trauma", she added, and were placed in the Fons home by a foster care agency.  Her entire family was now  living in a multi-bedroom home behind this roadside café. 

            "We try to open up our lives to the children's special  dreams and issues," Valerie  continued, now enjoying what she was sharing—as  if for  the first time.  "We emphasize emotional intelligence. I thought that now that our children are teens,  I would have  to be leaving the island because of their need to see a wider world. But we have invited diversity to this island,  and it's  the best work I have ever done  as an ordained elder at my church."

            She explained that Washington Island residents  were  currently  sponsoring several high school exchange students from Belgium, Spain, Costa Rica, South Korea,  China, and Columbia." We have changed the face of this island," Valerie boasted,  "and have brought energy to this school and to the community and to our families."

            I asked Valerie what she thought was the main problem  facing many American families today. "I can't speak for anyone else,  but what I do is  listen  to my children and try to hear what they're really saying, and to let them know they are heard."

            Mary Alice entered the café and warned me that our return  tram was outside. I immediately  asked my wife for her camera and told Valerie to stand still. 

III  A Pastor with a Challenged Child Speaks Up

      about Broken Families

         

   That same morning  our tram driver took us to Stravekirke, the name of a replica of a medieval church in Norway. My reporter's antennae remained up.  As our group was exiting the church,  I looked at a man and his wife and their  son  whose awkward  body movements and blank-like expression  told me  that whatever his special needs were, they would never go away. I walked up to the father, engaged him and his wife in "tourist" conversation and told them I was a retired  journalist.  "I know you'll think me brusque and  intrusive—and I don't mean to be—but I'd like very much to write a few words about your family taking a vacation on this beautiful island with a son who has special needs. Call it a love story if you will, but a lot of people  with special needs children will be inspired when they read it."  I bit my lip waiting for their reply, looking at the face of  their son.  

      The father warmly replied, "I'm David Johnson, pastor of the Overland Baptist Church in Overland, Missouri.  This is my wife, Marilyn, and my son Timothy."  ( An hour ago I had the fortune  to bump into Valerie  Fons, who had a good newsy story to tell--and now this family?!... Yes, God's grace at work) 

The return tram signaled it was about to  leave, and we all  boarded it. Ten minutes later,  Mary Alice and I were walking with  the Johnson family as we toured  an  outdoor  farm museum, and I photographed the pastor showing Timothy how to work an old water pump.  

    When the five of us boarded the Island Clipper  for its return cruise back to Rowley's Bay, the Rev. Johnson granted me an interview. I  learned that their son, 23-year-old Timothy, was born three months prematurely. "We're lucky to have Timothy,"   the pastor said.  "He's lucky to be alive. He's the only son we will ever have because my wife is a cancer victim."

 I asked  what God  says to a pastor's  heart  nowadays about  what's wrong with many families. "Family is instituted by God just as marriage is," he began. "As for  people in my community, I can tell you that broken families inevitably lead to other problems,  like  loss of income, lower education levels."

 What saddens this pastor  most are  moms and dads who  part company, leaving  their children  without parents. "Parents who come from  broken families can have a very difficult time in life. I know of dads in prisons, and moms who, with their children now living with grandparents,  cannot  survive on their  own. There is unemployment, financial struggles, but you can't just blame  it all on poverty."  He said he's also seen  well-to-do parents and children who come  from broken families and  are  still "ironing things out."

           "How can a church help?"  I asked. "It's frustrating to all clergy that the rates of divorces and family disintegration are right on par with societal norms," this  pastor replied. "I don't know what we can do except pray about it and preach the  truth  of scripture and try  to be a role model."        

          My  last question  was: "How can we as a nation address this issue of broken families? "He frowned but with a chuckle, and said, "If  I had an answer to that I wouldn't be a pastor. I'd be a politician or I'd write a book."

          Unfortunately,  the Johnson's vacation itinerary allowed no more interview time.

IV   Church for This Dad Is an Armful

    

  At a morning service in my church, I saw a man with his two-year-old daughter Madeleine on his left shoulder and other daughter, four-year-old Gianna, on his other shoulder. Smiling at him, I asked:  "Do Dad's shoulders ever get sore or tired?"  "Yes they do", replied Stephen Brehm. "But honestly --and this may sound funny--but there are moments when I feel  that God is helping me carry them, especially after the Eucharist, when they actually feel so much  lighter." 

    When Mom   isn't with this threesome, she's taking care of  eight-week-old son Lucas  in the Brehm's  nearby home. Jenny, the mother,  is a 33-year-old  speech therapist and a church  retreat volunteer; Stephen is 46, a data analyst for a pharmacy benefit company. Both parents told me they want going to church  to be a "joyful experience " for their children. 

V Signs of a Healthy Family (courtesy of Stepping Stones Ministry)                 

You trust each other.

You feel free to talk openly, without fear of disapproval.

You support one another during difficult times

You have fun and enjoy one another.

You respect one another.         

 Signs of an  Unhealthy Family

Substance abuse

Perfectionism  

Overprotection  

                        

Neglect

Emotional, physical, verbal

   or sexual abuse

                          

comments are welcome at

   rrschwarz777@gmail.com

 © 2020, 2022, 2023, 2024 Robert R.Schwarz